It’s Memorial Day here in the United States. So, to my fellow Americans, especially the ones who served or are serving in our armed forces, Happy Memorial Day.
I’m already feeling EPL withdrawal symptoms. I’ll jolt up in bed on the weekend and reach for my remote, only to remember there’s no game to catch. Truth be told, I don’t invest in transfer rumors, either, so those fly right over my head – with the exception of JDale’s drive-to-work phone calls, where he rattles off a bunch of names that my half-asleep mind forgets only moments later. (“Did you hear? Asdfghj Lkjhgffd from Sdfghj might be coming to Villa…”) In general, most people just ask me if I think Christian Benteke will stick around. My answer has consistently been the same since I hopped aboard a few months ago: I hope so.
And, so, I’ve been feeling a bit at a loss as to what to write about. Matches – done; relegation – avoided; transfer rumors – not my forte. It’s too early for another Super Villan article. And, daresay, some readers are creeped out by my Care Bears-mentality of giving all of you virtual hugs and telling you how much you all mean to me. So I’ll stick with something that I’ve been writing about for a while: men. And, don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I’m extremely knowledgeable about them, either; it’s just that I tend to write about them often. I’m not even going to shamelessly plug my website to prove it.*
I’ve seen a few really brilliant comments on here, and one, in particular, stuck out to me. Juanmanband posted “A Night in the Pub With Aston Villa” where fans from clubs posted what it would be like to drink with Villa players. It made me laugh, and stuck out as being memorable. So I got to thinking: what types of boyfriends (keeping it site-appropriate) would these guys make?
Brad Guzan – Mr. Mouthy: He’s always ready to go, and makes sure that he goes out of his way to prove himself – while mouthing off about it. His tendency to flap his gums hinders what could be something extremely special. It’s not like he doesn’t have what it takes – but would benefit more from looking before he leaps.
Joe Bennett – The Inexperienced One: At his age, he should really know better. Only, he doesn’t. And he won’t stop calling or texting, either. He wants chance after chance, and you give that to him – only for him to screw things up repeatedly. This guy is frustrating and doesn’t seem to take the hint. Would do well to watch and learn before getting hands-on.
Nathan Baker –
Mr. Right The Overzealous One: Like the Inexperienced One, he should probably know better. But he tries. He tries a lot. Sometimes, it’s great; he’s opening car doors, offering you his jacket, and keeping his eyes at, well, eye-level. Other days, he’s a mess. He drinks too much beer and cracks sex jokes in front of your parents while slapping your backside. But then he brings you a dozen roses, a teddy bear, and a hand-written love note while giving you his puppy-dog eyes, and all is forgiven and forgotten until the next time goes in for a kiss and smashes his forehead against yours.
Ron Vlaar – The Go-Getter: This guy knows what he’s doing, and he makes you want to go back for more every time. He pulls out all the stops, not afraid to be flashy when the need arises. When you’re with him, you can relax in knowing that he’s got all situations under control.
Matthew Lowton – The Innovative One: He takes you on the best first date, ever, and you just can’t get enough of him. Instead of dinner-and-a-movie, he takes big risks and brings you to places you’d only ever heard about. He is, by far, the most fun to date, though you wish that they weren’t so far and few-between. With your encouragement, you know he can stay at the top of his game.
Fabian Delph – Mr. Jealousy: This guy needs to calm down and stop getting so worked up about what he perceives as a threat. He’s far too much trouble than he’s worth, with the bouts of aggression and tendency to swing his fists when he does feel threatened. Once confronted about his behavior, he withdraws and sulks about it.
Ashley Westwood – The Reasonable One: He’s not the most exciting to be with, but he’s versatile. He is comfortable and confident in himself and his abilities. With this guy, you know that there won’t be a huge emotional investment, but there’s no real reason to give him the boot, either.
Yacouba Sylla – The Mysterious One: He deflects any and all questions about himself. You’ve heard ten different people pronounce his name completely differently. He still picks you up on time, and he always looks nice, but he just won’t open up. He doesn’t even have a Facebook!
Andi Weimann: Mr. Potential: If he tries hard enough, he could be good enough to bring home to your parents somewhere down the line. You definitely want to keep seeing him, since he has demonstrated a few grand gestures so far.
Gabby Agbonlahor – The Loyal One: He’s going to stick with you until the end. Even if your ass doubles in size, he’s not going to call it quits, or make threats about it. Still tends to pull out grand gestures from time to time, but is happy being in a comfortable pattern; he doesn’t care if you’ve got your hair in a knot on your head and wearing old sweatpants, or if you’re sporting a new, short red dress with six-inch Louboutins. He loves you for you.
Christian Benteke – The Heart-Breaker: It’s so hard to know what he’s thinking, but it doesn’t matter because he’s good at so much. The problem is, though, that despite giving you the moon and stars, there’s the constant anxiety that he’s looking at other women and, inevitably, will leave you for one a bit prettier, or bouncier, because his loud-mouthed friend keeps buzzing in his ear that he could do better.
Paul Lambert – The Chaperone: You really like his son, so he wants to be your friend, too. Will send you occasional text messages to remind you that you’re the best thing his boy’s ever brought home.
Randy Lerner – Mr. Moneybags: He pays for everything and is content with just watching you try clothes on. He doesn’t want to spend any quality time with you, and you’re more-or-less fine with that, until he snatches back that Louis Vuitton that he promised was yours forever, because he got into some shady dealings and needs a quick cash fix.
I think this will become inevitable: which type, if any, are you?
*Well… if you insist: kristinamontesano.com