Dear Santa

I have been brought up right and know the greater value at Christmas comes from giving, rather than receiving. Therefore, if you could, I would appreciate the following gifts being dropped at Villa Park, Birmingham, B6. Thanks.

Christmas Tree – This can be a normal Christmas tree, or a reverse Christmas tree, the choice is yours Santa. Please give this to Big Alex, so he can come to realise what other formations look like which do not look like 4 4 2. It might also serve to show we have a star to place at the top, but it’ll need supporting from beneath. If you could avoid anything artificial, they tend to be over priced and don’t look good after a couple of seasons and we’ve already got plenty of stuff like that hanging around.

Geometry Set – One for each player please. Then they might learn what a triangle looks like, in the vain hope they create one on the pitch one day. You can keep the compass and replace it with a slide rule. I once heard footballers can make a ‘slide rule’ pass, and thought they should see what one looks like, you never know, it might inspire them and I might get to see one.

Loudhailer – Please write the label for Randy. You’ll need to ensure the instructions are in the box as I am not sure he knows how to speak up in public. If you could make it the Spinal Tap special edition model, that would be great, the volume will need turning up to 11.

Enigma Machine – Trick to get granted, not available via Amazon or eBay, but I am sure you will allow me the indulgence. Deliver the machinery to the office of Mr McLeish and if you could then ensure Big Eck punches in the apparently random sequence of letters, numbers and symbols that go into a team talk, we can then decode it into something professional footballers can actually a) understand and b) act on, as clearly the current method is not working based on recent performances.

A Myriagon – This is for the ‘defenders’ in the Villa squad. In case you are not sure what one is, it is a shape with 10,000 sides. That way they should have plenty of examples of what a corner looks like and be familiar with handling one, because currently I have my doubts about their ability in this area.

The Keystone Cops on DVD – This bumbling, uncoordinated, shambolic comedy troop could do with seeing a film of an organised, trained and disciplined unit in action. It could also double as the match highlights from the Spurs game.

Lock Picking Set – This is the present that keeps on giving. It can be used to ‘pick’ a pass which has been lacking of late or ‘unlock’ potential of our underperformers as we appear to have lost the keys to both of these.

Yours in everlasting hope (of 3 points)


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