There is an expression in body building that goes, “do what you’ve always done, get what you always got” and it certainly extends past pumping iron in a sweaty gym, you can apply it to many facets of life. What we are in danger of doing by speculating about the usual suspects when it comes to the next possible manager at Villa, is following suit with all the others and not looking to ‘think outside the box’. Premier league pedigree – blah, previous success – waffle, mixes youth and experience – yawn.
We complain about lack of creativity in the players, but maybe we should take a moment to step back and be a bit more creative in our wants and desires for Villa.
Therefore I have taken a moment to think about the right man for the job, rather than the right ‘football’ man for the job. Trust me, it’s revolutionary.
The dream team?
Let’s start at the top and work our way down, pay attention at the back, there is a test later.
Firstly, I have to say I am a big fan of Mr Lerner at the top, but if he were looking for a new owner, I have just the man – Price William or the newly crowned Duke of Cambridge as his wife calls him. Think about it for a minute:
We know he is a Villa fan – a good start and is also connected at the FA, another bonus.
He has access to funds should we need it. Who else can buy stuff by handing over pictures of their nan?
He has access to the Queen who, whilst she may not exercise her right, has ultimate law making powers in this country. Imagine that Villa are, heaven forbid, 3 – 0 down at halftime to Birmingham (that actually hurt to write, I am sorry, but bear with me). A quick call from Wills, and a new law could be passed at halftime that made any goals by Birmingham null and void, or even illegal and those who scored them guilty of treason or something. If that’s a bit unfair Queeny could simply ask that Villa goals count double, and we know David Cameron would be onside. I do accept this may have limited powers in European games, but lets focus on domestic glory first.
The next appointment has previous footballing connections, but that is not why I have selected him, it is for more recent endeavours. Lord Sir Alan Sugar as Director of Football. Think about it, player recruitment would be run as an episode of the Apprentice! The similarities are scary, where else would you find someone so skilled in dealing with over inflated egos, lying, and excesses of hair gel. The modern footballer reminds me of these pseudo-business people, all hype, mouth and more front than Jordan at a double glazing exhibition on Blackpool seafront. Yet when it comes down to it, the talent is quickly found to be lacking. I could just see Karen Brady and Nick Hewer running training drills to see those who can actually pass a ball or captain a team, and who wouldn’t get satisfaction from hearing “Now listen here, you came here as a big shot, you talked a good game, yet when it came down to it, you just can’t deliver. You’re a lightweight, you couldn’t pass water. Stephen Ireland – you’re fired!”
Now manager is a tricky business, you need someone who can bring something else to the team in terms of strategy and formation. Initial thoughts went to Bruce Forsyth for his skills at spotting excellent movement. However I was soon put off by his likely repetition of ‘good game, good game’ as this would send out the wrong message especially given some of our performances this season.
I also thought about the Squadron leader of the Red Arrows, who else can get formation so right in front of big crowds. However there is a limitation in this appointment, I suspect the ball may be in the air for long periods.
Then it hit me in a moment of inspiration, George Clooney. Not with me, I’ll explain. George played the notoriously cheeky villain Danny Ocean in the film Ocean’s 11. So who else is best placed to get 11 men pulling off some of the most finely tuned and well planned operations you’ll ever see? He was even so good, he had second and third guessed the moves of his opponents so there was always a plan B or even C. Also I suspect the attendances at Villa Park would increase dramatically. I also have a feeling that with Clooney in town that player egos would be kept well in check. Simple when you think about, and I bet he wasn’t on anybody else’s shortlist.
First team coach is a simple one for me, Gordon Ramsay. The man goes ballistic over a sloppy soufflé or a slightly disappointing crème anglaise, so imagine that passion applied to something that actually mattered i.e. football! What a motivation that would be to players to not put a foot wrong for fear of public humiliation on a huge scale. I can picture the scene now:
Richard Dunne makes a lazy backpass that actually goes out for a corner. Gord rushes onto the pitch, the referee hasn’t stopped play but Ramsay doesn’t care, but anyway rushes onto the pitch to deliver a vitriolic dressing down, from 1 inch away for Dunney’s face, covering him in spit along the way. “Oi Dunne, what the hell do you call that? Sorry I didn’t catch that, a back – pass? Well who the ‘eff’ and indeed ‘blind’ was it meant to go to, get out of my sight, you disgust me”. Discipline issues resolved overnight, player performance instantly boosted by fear, the greatest motivator of all.
Fitness coach is easy and that job goes to Bear Grylls. For those who are not aware of his work, he basically can survive being dropped anywhere in the world with a rucksack, water bottle and a knife. The man is as hard as nails, but will also eat anything to survive, from catching fish to eating insects, and I’ve even seen him wringing water out of dung to drink. Yep, you read that right, a TV moment I will never un-see! Anyway the point of this is that winning is about small margins, and the players may benefit from a protein boost by snacking on a passing beetle midway through the second half, or wringing out the corner flag to take on much needed fluids. Like I said, small things could make a big difference.
Club psychologist would of course be well known mind reader and showman Derren Brown. This man can get people behaving outside of their comfort zone, he even persuaded one poor guy to rob a security truck of his own free will! If anyone can get into the mind of the players, then surely Derren is the man. Who knows he might get Big Brad to finally believe his boots are not attached to the goal line, or convince Stylian that there is a directions called ‘forwards’ and that the ball may be passed in that direction, but maybe he should start on smaller things first.
So there you have it, a real plan for the future, Cambridge, Sugar, Clooney, Ramsay, Grylls and Brown – surely the dream team!
All it needs is the club to be bought by a member of the royal family, a multi millionaire Lord to join up along with an A list Hollywood celebrity, a top chef, the world’s most daring adventurer, and the most convincing psychological illusionist in the business. I never said it would be easy, but I can’t see any possible flaws in my plan, which is assuming Ocean’s 11 was a documentary, better go and check that out…
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