Stephen Ireland, according to the Star, is “pleading” and “pledging” and that all sounds quite promising. It’s probably not exactly true, but it would be nice if it was, and, of course, if we actually got a Stephen Ireland who gave a toss, it would be like a new signing. So, even though the Guardian headline writers were predictably more circumspect, it does seem like Ireland is wanting to at least make it sound like he intends to work hard and come good.
My opinion? Get stuck in, Ireland, and make us like you a little bit. Or make yourself attractive to other clubs so we can offload you if you can’t magically turn it all back on. I don’t think we’ll see him kissing the badge and saluting the Holte as he scores on opening day at home, but stranger things have happened. I’ve got an Atlas of World Mysteries back from when I was young, and I’m fairly sure there are some rather odd bits in there that defied explanation.
So if Ireland’s simply woken up and realizes he’s screwed if doesn’t stop coming off as a total prat, I’ll take it.
Stewart Downing, on the other hand, seems not to have realized he’s making a total prat of himself, and doesn’t much seem to care. But if you believe reports, and why wouldn’t you, then he’s set to sit down with AM and simply hand in his transfer request when he returns to discuss his future. Or he already has done.
To which I say, “Don’t let the door hit you on the way out, and if we do sign N’Zogbia, no one’s going to miss you much anyway.” If he stays, fine. I wish I could say I was bothered, but I’m really not, in the end. The only thing I care about is taking as much of Liverpool’s money as possible if our grateful, loyal signing does want to go to a club where he can be more loyal and grateful.
Shay Given? Good keeper, obviously, worried about his durability, obviously. Scott Parker? Good player, worried about his age and signing a Petov-in-waiting, obviously. N’Zogbia? Yes, please. Der Hammer? No, thanks.
And what do I say now?
I was chatting with Matt last night, and saying, “There’s not much to write about at the moment is there? We’ve had good pieces dissecting the youth, the squad, some South American tournament, the Given/Parker/N’Zogbia speculation. What’s there to write about?”
So we talked about Villa, had some laughs, and I said, “If I can knock back a couple drinks, find the Muse, and come up with something Hunter S. Thompson would be proud of, I’ll cobble it together.”
Unfortunately, Thompson’s muse didn’t come calling. The trollop that did show up left me thinking that maybe I could make you some promises, a columnist’s code of conduct, if you will:
1. I vow never to end a post with, “Right, I’m off for a bacon sandwich.”
2. I vow never to talk about speculation, unless I need something to write about, in which case I’ll throw the speculation out there and tell you you’re silly for believing it. Unless it comes true, in which case, I think I said, “I never told you not to believe that, and I never said it wasn’t going to happen.” And I will have been right, I think.
3. I vow never to be a boring drunk.
4. I vow never to leave you for a larger paycheck and the opportunity of writing about Champions League football. (Unless such an offer is actually made, then all bets are off. Although you’ve been very nice to me, and I’ve had the chance to draw attention to myself, I can’t in all good conscience allow my talents to wither on the vine at a club with no ambition. But I vow not to say that until it suits me and my agent’s had a word.)
And it sort of stopped there. Then Stephen Ireland “pleading” and “pledging” made Matt and I think of the “Top 10 Things You Won’t See at Villa Park Next Season”:
1. Stephen Ireland scoring in his debut and kissing the badge (gave that one away, already, I know).
2. Villa hanging on to whichever player gets an England call-up. (Besides Warnock and Gabby.)
3. New kit with “Downing” on the back.
4. A defender that makes us forget Laursen, never mind God.
And, again, sort of hitting a wall.
Back to me
I know you’re all wondering about my weekend, and it was lovely, thanks. A nice hike, an arts festival with plenty of beer, and drinks with friends on Friday night. The kids are well, and I still think the girlfriend is a catch. I saw a headline touting David Cameron’s love of Aston Villa, but didn’t click on it.
But perhaps that’s not what’s on your minds. I hate to say I understand, but I suppose I must.
So, I’ll simply ask you to perhaps complete the “Top 10 Things You Won’t See at Villa Park Next Season”, or offer up 10 completely new ones of your own devising. Or just debate amongst yourselves.
In the meantime, I’m off for a bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich. That’s how I roll.
The Author
